Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's eve and I am working. This is just not fair.

I start working at 10pm and finish at 8am. I guess it will keep me out of trouble, but after having worked all of xmas it's really not something I am looking forward to. Life is not fair (performs toddler-tantrum)

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year


Monday, December 29, 2008

ok - I admit it, I am not a real woman. I hate shopping !!!!

There must be something wrong with my wiring or something, but shopping gives me road rage. Yes I have joined the group on Facebook called " I secretly want to hit slow walking people" but even with this support group a day in town leaves me absolutley exhausted, and not in a nice way.

Went to Robert Dyas to get the rest of the stuff for soap making and some other bits and pieces and I have now added this shop to my most-hated list. Trying to find anything in there is impossible. I found a slow cooker between the garden shears, hand blenders were scattered all over the shop and so were kitchen scales. I found a mop for the kitchen next to a garden rake. It took me 1 hour to find what I wanted and that was with a plan in my head of what exactly I need. Yikes.

And it was absolutley packed. Did I say I hate shopping ?

After that I decided that I had enough and went home. No more shopping for me for a while. Next soap will have to be whatever Tesco or the local corner shop has for sale. Lard Soap here we come !

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I haven't posted for a while as I xmas got a bit busy with finishing stuff off, getting it to the post and working most of the time. I also started a new hobby - soap making. Anything to keep myself busy and stop pondering and hopefully finally kick the evil habit called smoking. Managed 1 day this week without the evil fags, but then caved in again. Will have to use patches tomorrow.

BF situation is not good. I miss him so much, but he has just gone ice cold again.

On the 23rd he called me absolutley drunk and asked me to come and pick him up. I didn't really feel like it, but went anyway. Couldn't find him where he said he was gonna be, tried ringing him, but he didn't pick up, so I went home, rather angry. 2 hrs wasted a day before xmas. He called the next day and said he had dropped his phone and was too drunk to figure out how to put it back together. It also meant that instead of xmas shopping, he spent all his money on booze. And I don't buy his excuse. If his phone was apart, it wouldn't have been ringing, I would have got a message saying that the phone is currently switched off....

Yesterday we had an argument by text - never a good thing. Apparently he stopped drinking and smoking on the 24th. I wonder why....I bet his family wasn't too pleased not to receive any presents and I guess his dad gave him some money under strict instructions to stop drinking, smoking and seeing me.

Today he hasn't spoken to me at all. No good morning messgae, no nite nite kiss. It hurts.

It also hurts to know, that our relationship went sour because of his drinking and thats why he lives with his dad now. But my only chance to see him was when he was drunk and called me to pick him up. After 3 years of living with him - most of the time drunk and nasty - he has now stopped drinking and I feel like I wont be seeing him again, as he now has no excuse to call me. And his dad hates me, so he will slowly be chipping away on the last little scrap of a relationship that we have....

Anyways, much nicer subject, my first batch of soap went well and it is now curing. I am not a patient person but I will have to wait 4 weeks for it to be ready. Thankfully I also knit, otherwise I'd be very bored now....

Come to me
Do and be done with me
(cold cold cold)
Don't i exist for you
Don't i still live for you
(cold cold cold)
Everything i possess
Given with tenderness
Wrapped in a ribbon of glass
Time it may take us but god only knows
How i've paid for those things in the past

I want to be with you baby
Slip me inside of your heart
Don't i belong to you baby
Don't you know that nothing can tear us apart
Come on now come on now come on now
Telling you that
I loved you right from the start...
But the more i want you the less i get
Ain't that just the way things are...

Annie Lennox - Cold

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sigh. Last night I had the usual phone call again. Phone rings in the middle of night and the boyfriend asks to be picked up, right now. But last night was the first time I said no. I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe it would have been different if he was at his dad's, as that's only a 40 min drive from here. But he is at his mum's and that's a 8 hour round trip and I am broke and just cannot justify £60 worth of petrol at the moment just to help him run away from his responsibilities again. Leave alone that I don't have 8 hours spare 1 week before xmas. I love him to bits, but it was going too far. He went mad at me, saying that I don't care about him and that I don't think that he is important, but his blackmailing no longer works. It didn't help that he was drunk and scared, but it just makes me feel used and thats not good. I told him I ring him back today at 2pm and if he still feels the same I get him a train ticket. He rang this morning an apologized for calling, but of course not for trying to blackmail me again. I don't mind him calling, it's the fact that he thinks I can drop everything to get him out of a pickle and that he keeps running away from things which drive me mad. He says he loves me, but I am starting to wonder if he just loves the fact that every time he says "jump" I ask how high. It would have been nice to be able to be with him and give him a big hug and just try and help him get through a tough time, but I have to be at work tomorrow and as I said, I just don't have £60 sapre right now, so he will just have to make do with mummy.

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Mama Cass - Dream a little dream of me

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Ok, just a quick entry today. I need to finish knitting a scarf by tomorrow evening, so it can go into a christmas parcel, but I had a delivery of new yarn this morning which really does not help at all and I ended up knitting at least a swatch of the new yarn.... sigh. But it is soooo pretty.

No song today either, I need to think in knit, purl, knit, purl.....

Friday, December 12, 2008

Not much to write today. Just been trying to clean this house, but haven't quite finished. I am aiming at a complete "spring"-clean. It needs it.

Boyfriend has caught the same cold my daughter and me had last week. Poor thing, he is probably complaining to his mum that he is dieing of the deadly, glad he chose to get this cold while at his mum's ;-)

The teenage girl situation is getting out of control. My daughter's best friend decided to run away today and told her mum to f off. I am starting to wonder if it is really such a good idea that my daughter is friends with her, although she seems to have her head screwed on, it is giving her ideas....

Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're beautiful

Makin' love with you is all I want to do
Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true
Everything that I do is out of lovin' you

No one else can make me feel the colors that you bring
Stay with me while we grow old
And we will live each day in springtime

Lovin' you has made my life so beautiful
And every day of my life is filled with lovin' you
Lovin' you I see your soul come shining through
And every time that we ooooh I'm more in love with you

Loving You - Minnie Ripperton

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Another late night and still can't sleep. The cold is getting better, but I am still coughing like it is going out of fashion and it is making me lose my voice periodically - not good when you have a teenage daughter....

As usual I panicked about nothing with my boyfriend, he is just at his mum's where reception is dreadful and he has other things on his mind right now. Silly me. I really need to get rid of this insecurity, it is just so not like me.

Sitting at home all day is not very productive for either blogging or christmas shopping. I really hope that this cold is going away soon.

There are six BILLION people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

Katie Meluah - 9 Million Bicycles

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

First post of my new online diary.

It is 2am and I probably should be in bed, but I am currently off work with the cold from hell and have been snoozing most of the day and now I am wide awake...and bored....

I miss my boyfriend. Wish he was here right now so we could snuggle up on the sofa and watch movies. He hasn't spoken to me all day and I am not sure what to make of it which really doesn't help with sleeping.

Being a mum to a teenager is not easy. Her best friend has been caught trying to buy weed from a boy at school, which of course makes me worried if my daughter might also be smoking. She is denying it but has admitted to having a drink when she feels stressed. Do they really have to be growing up so fast these days ? She is only 12 !!!! What did we do when we were 12 and stressed ? I can't really remember, which is weird. I guess I just argued with my mom. I thought drinking was more of a problem of growing up in the sticks like I did, but even we didn't start until we were 14. Let's hope things will straighten out.

I miss you every morning
I miss you every night
I miss you most of all when
I wanna be loved just right

Gene Vincent - I sure miss you