I haven't posted for a while as I xmas got a bit busy with finishing stuff off, getting it to the post and working most of the time. I also started a new hobby - soap making. Anything to keep myself busy and stop pondering and hopefully finally kick the evil habit called smoking. Managed 1 day this week without the evil fags, but then caved in again. Will have to use patches tomorrow.

BF situation is not good. I miss him so much, but he has just gone ice cold again.

On the 23rd he called me absolutley drunk and asked me to come and pick him up. I didn't really feel like it, but went anyway. Couldn't find him where he said he was gonna be, tried ringing him, but he didn't pick up, so I went home, rather angry. 2 hrs wasted a day before xmas. He called the next day and said he had dropped his phone and was too drunk to figure out how to put it back together. It also meant that instead of xmas shopping, he spent all his money on booze. And I don't buy his excuse. If his phone was apart, it wouldn't have been ringing, I would have got a message saying that the phone is currently switched off....

Yesterday we had an argument by text - never a good thing. Apparently he stopped drinking and smoking on the 24th. I wonder why....I bet his family wasn't too pleased not to receive any presents and I guess his dad gave him some money under strict instructions to stop drinking, smoking and seeing me.

Today he hasn't spoken to me at all. No good morning messgae, no nite nite kiss. It hurts.

It also hurts to know, that our relationship went sour because of his drinking and thats why he lives with his dad now. But my only chance to see him was when he was drunk and called me to pick him up. After 3 years of living with him - most of the time drunk and nasty - he has now stopped drinking and I feel like I wont be seeing him again, as he now has no excuse to call me. And his dad hates me, so he will slowly be chipping away on the last little scrap of a relationship that we have....

Anyways, much nicer subject, my first batch of soap went well and it is now curing. I am not a patient person but I will have to wait 4 weeks for it to be ready. Thankfully I also knit, otherwise I'd be very bored now....

Come to me
Do and be done with me
(cold cold cold)
Don't i exist for you
Don't i still live for you
(cold cold cold)
Everything i possess
Given with tenderness
Wrapped in a ribbon of glass
Time it may take us but god only knows
How i've paid for those things in the past

I want to be with you baby
Slip me inside of your heart
Don't i belong to you baby
Don't you know that nothing can tear us apart
Come on now come on now come on now
Telling you that
I loved you right from the start...
But the more i want you the less i get
Ain't that just the way things are...

Annie Lennox - Cold